i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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