I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
