PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
