my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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