I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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