So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
