can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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