Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
