The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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