I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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