Your face is a jimmy john
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
