your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
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We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
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We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club