I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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