She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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