I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
