dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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