Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
