I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
