my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
