I think I died a long time ago.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
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There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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