are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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