I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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