Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
