A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
