he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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