OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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