I hate all girls vehemently.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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