The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
