I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
