I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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