She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
