True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
