I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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