when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
