i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
