I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Randomize
