if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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