Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You were trust falling into bushes
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
