So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
