I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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