I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
40s are totally the cure
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
