You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
