i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
