I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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