Jerry, you need to find god
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
