I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
