You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
