Banned from zoo.
Again?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
