Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
