He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
