We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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