It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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