broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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