Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
