I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
