Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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